Black Magician Parody: Christmas Special
by Laura Scofield
Summary: Parody oneshot. Tayend tries to bring some festive cheer to the Guild, and arranges a Christmas party. Mild language and sexual references.


**Black Magician Parody: Christmas Special **

Thanks very much to **Deidara the Arrancar ****Alchemist **for reading through my drafts and giving terrific suggestions & ideas. Without her I wouldn't have been able to post this at all. She's a very talented addition to the Dan/Tay fanfic ranks, so go check out what she's written so far!

**WARNING:** Do not read if you are allergic to my parodies.

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><p><em>Dannyl awakens to find Tayend excitedly jumping up and down on the bed.<em>

Tayend: Wake up Dannyl, it's Christmas!

Dannyl: Chris- what? Is this another holiday you've made up?

Tayend: No no, this one's real- it's the time of year when people pretend to like each other and exchange terrible presents.

Dannyl: Sounds like a typical Elyne party.

Tayend: But I've so many happy memories of Christmas from when I was a kid; my parents used to buy me loads of expensive gifts to make up for the fact that they didn't like me!

Dannyl: That's nice and all, but I don't see what it's got to do with- where'd he go?

_Tayend vanishes and reappears in Lorlen's office._

Lorlen: Bah, humbug.

Osen: Please sir, can I have some more?

Tayend: … did I just walk in on a Charles Dickens mash-up performance?

Lorlen: Ah… yes. That's it.

Tayend: I can't believe you and Osen are working on Christmas Day!

Lorlen: Well, someone's got to sort out this paperwork. Can you believe some idiot hired out a troupe of acrobats and put the expense under the Magician Welfare fund?

Tayend: Well… watching acrobats is really important… for um… blood circulation… or something…

Osen: :O

Lorlen: Close your mouth Osen, there's a good fellow.

Osen: :I

Tayend: So I'm organising a Christmas party for this evening, are you two lovebirds coming?

Lorlen: Don't you have to ask my permission first?

Tayend: Hmm. No, I don't think so.

Osen: *unzips his mouth* Please can we go Lorlen, please? We haven't left this office in a month!

Lorlen: Oh, alright then.

Tayend: Yay!

* * *

><p><em>Tayend goes around the Guild handing out invitations for his party.<em>

Rothen: A party, eh? Haven't heard of one of those before.

Tayend: Come on old man, it'll do you good to get out!

Rothen: … old man?

Tayend: … Oh I'm sorry, I just always assumed you were a man!

Rothen: One of these days, I'm going to beat you _so_ hard with my walking stick-

Dorrien: I'll come to the party.

Tayend: You do know that Akkarin will probably be there?

Dorrien: It's fine; I've accepted that Sonea is with him now, and that she'll realise in her own time that she's with a complete son of a b-

Tayend: Shh! Don't swear, there's a little kid right behind you.

Regin: _Little _kid? I'm the same height as you!

Tayend: OMG I recognise that sneer. You must be Draco Malfoy!

Regin: Yeah, Harry cursed me with a permanent sneering jinx so I decided to change my identity and join the Guild.

Tayend: You coming to my Christmas bash?

Regin: Who exactly _are_ you?

Rothen: *mutters* some minx Dannyl picked up in Elyne.

Tayend: You know, I like you better when you're high on nemmin.

Rothen: That's it, I've had enough. *grumbles and fetches his walking stick*

* * *

><p><em>Later, at the party in the Night Room…<em>

Tayend: *hobbles slightly after being beaten by Rothen's infamous walking stick* Do mine eyes deceive me? Are you doing _paperwork_ Lorlen?

Dannyl: No, he's doing Osen.

Tayend: How come you're not this dirty in the books?

Dannyl: Cos I've just drunk five glasses of wine. Don't make any sudden movements or I might explode into fireworks or something. Wanna dance?

Tayend: *edges away from Dannyl*

Osen: Ah… Lorlen? I-I made you a present.

Lorlen: What's this? "A Collection of Lorlen & Osen's Fanfic-tastic Adventures in Lorlen's Office"?

Osen: *blush* I wrote it secretly when I was supposed to be working…

Lorlen: Oh Osen, I love it! Here's you present.

Tayend: *peeks over Osen's shoulder* An Elyne maid's outfit? I wish Dannyl was that imaginative!

Lorlen: Let's go back to my office and make out.

Tayend: Can I come?

Lorlen & Osen: NO!

Tayend: D:

Rothen: Oh there you are Tayend, I got you a present.

Tayend: :D

_Tayend opens the present._

Tayend: :S

Rothen: I thought you could do with some decent clothes.

Tayend: But… but these are at least a size too big for me!

Rothen: You're not in Elyne anymore, Tayend of Tremmelin!

Tayend: *cries*

Dorrien: Father, leave him alone. Just because he's a self-absorbed slut who's leading Dannyl astray, doesn't mean he's not a nice guy!

Tayend: Why thank you Dorrien. You can have a threesome with me and Dan anytime you like.

Dorrien: … *edges away, and then sees Akkarin and Sonea*

Dorrien: Akkarin.

Akkarin: Dorrien.

_Awkward pause._

Dorrien: I got you a present.

Akkarin: *opens present* … you got me _condoms_?

Dorrien: Yeah, and don't forget to use them. I don't want your brats running around the place when I'm married to Sonea.

Rothen: *horrified* Are you all talking about _contraception_? That's illegal!

Sonea: Yeah, that sort of sums up why this country sucks. Oh, and speaking of illegal, I got you some nemmin from the Thieves Rothen!

Rothen: *slips nemmin into his pocket* I'll mix this in with my hot milk later to help me sleep.

Dannyl: I can't believe the author neglected me for 30 lines. So much for favouritism.

Fergun: You should think of how the _secondary_ characters feel.

Dannyl: Fergun? I thought they sent you to Azkaban!

Fergun: I got you a present.

Dannyl: Oh… these are really nice socks and all… but they're _pink_. Are you colour-blind or something? And what's this sticky stuff all over them?

Fergun: Um… hair gel.

Tayend: I'd put those in the wash first if I were you Dannyl.

Fergun: You filthy little Mudblood!

Tayend: *shrugs* I've been called worse.

Fergun: I got you something too.

_Tayend opens the present._

Tayend: Oh, books! _The Traitor Spy Trilogy._ Never heard of it before…

_Flicks through the first book with increasing disdain._

Tayend: What is this rubbish? It's completely unrealistic and clearly prejudiced against me.

Dannyl: Oh, it's just that uncanon series Trudi wrote for a laugh.

Tayend: I've read _fanfiction_ better than this. Honest to god, fanfiction.

Fergun: *arrogant* Actually, I'm sure the author was quite serious when she wrote about me and Dannyl hooking up in the last book.

Tayend: Let me guess, and Sonea gets with Regin?

Fergun: Um… yeah.

Dannyl: I reckon Trudi read so many fanfictions, she got confused and wrote one herself. That's her only excuse for misspelling Sonea's uncle's name.

_Two Dementors swoop into the room, and drag Fergun away for breaking the terms of his parole._

Dementor #1: We told you, no partiesssss!

Dementor #2: *waves goodbye* Merry Crissssstmassssss folkssssss!

Tayend: … Does anyone else get the feeling the author secretly wants to write Harry Potter fics?

_There's a loud banging on the door._

Tayend: I bet five gold it's a Harry Potter character.

_Cery and his pickpocketing slum-dwelling pals break down the door._

Cery: ARE YOU READY TO PARTY?

Tayend: I do believe it's pronounced par- TAY. After all, I did invent the word.

Cery: Hey, I didn't realise there was a new female character in this fandom!

Tayend: Are you looking for a fight, ratboy? Cos my boyfriend's twice as tall as you.

Cery: I'm just here to PARTY!

Tayend: Urgh. The sooner this scene ends, the better.

* * *

><p><em>Dannyl and Tayend exit the Night Room and go back to Dannyl's rooms, leaving the Thieves and magicians to rock out for the night. <em>

Dannyl: I should give you your present before I fall into a drunken stupor.

Tayend: Oooh! Is it a unicorn?

Dannyl: How would that even fit in a box? Anyway, I think you'll like it.

Tayend: *rips open present excitedly* I… ah… What _is_ it?

Dannyl: I call it the eReader! I spent the last year inventing it. Now you can carry all your favourite books around wherever you go!

Tayend: Nice sales pitch, I'm sold.

_Tayend gives Dannyl his present and he opens it. _

Dannyl: Oh my god Tayend, you _didn't_!

Tayend: Well, I haven't seen you this excited since Armje.

Dannyl: Two tickets to the Harry Potter Theme Park in Elyne! How could you afford this?

Tayend: Don't worry, I didn't use your credit card this time.

Dannyl: Good.

Tayend: I used Rothen's instead.

Dannyl: *chooses to ignore this* Oh Tayend, this is the best present ever! We should celebrate Christmas every year!

_Author: And so it came to pass that Christmas was celebrated at the Guild every year, all thanks to the impulsive actions of an Elyne scholar. _

Tayend: Oh god she's back. Get out of our room you pervert!

Dannyl: Don't make me use my pepper spray! *waves pepper spray threateningly*

Author: Merry Christmas to all!


End file.
